A gentleman met me few days back and said that I want a divorce. I have already done enough for my wife. I did so many things for her which I never wanted to her. I killed myself while doing those things and still she has no heart for me. As soon as he said these words, it alerted my mind that did he follow the relationship with a resistance or love? Did he not want to do things and did them? So he started opening up and started sharing many incidences where she wanted to go somewhere, he did not want to, they still went ahead and they always came back fighting wasting all the efforts. It had to end up in fight because there were conflicts inside you while doing those things and it always created conflicts in life too. Similarly, after talking to his wife, she did not want to do so many things at home but she did them with great efforts. However, she had been feeling lot of pain while doing those things which would eventually create painful situation in life too. They both were doing many things but the problem is whatever they were doing, their “Should be done” factor was involved rather than love and a desire to do those things. They were were creating their relationship with conflicts in mind and thus more conflicts in life too. They could resolve those conflicts, when they followed few things:
1. They started understanding own thoughts and shared them openly. They had to let go off the fear that what the other person would think. They had to end the obligation in the relationship. If they did not want to do something, they did not do it and shared it too.
2. They created space for each other, where the other person could come and express without worrying about fight ( Fight anyway happened which they realized)
3. They both had to create genuine respect for each other’s efforts rather than focussing on own efforts.
4. This created mutual love and desire for the other person to be happy.
5. They stopped forcing each other to live the life their way. They allowed the other person to do things what they wanted. ( They stopped dictating each other’s lives)
6. They decided that we will serve other relationships if we can rather than as an obligation on each other.
7. They worked on healing past issues.
8. They worked on understanding each others intentions behind the efforts rather than judging them.
It was not an easy journey but they decided to follow that for their children. Often parents decide same but with resistance which create more problems. But they decided to release resistance to follow this. While making an effort for their children, they found a companion and love in in each other too.
Often we think we are thinking but in reality we are thinking what we already know. We keep doing things without thinking, why, what, what would I gain from it, what do i intend from it and if we start thinking we would be able to sort out many things.
So always be clear about your intentions and let your intentions define your actions. If they are not aligned, we would always have more problems in life, Look at what you want to create that rather than what is wrong with life. Whatever we would focus upon would persist.
